We never wanted to be ones to disrupt an adoption. I thought that had to be the worst thing anyone could do to an already hurting child. The day came when we had to make the decision to disrupt for the safety of all of our children. Thankful that we had the gift of knowing potential danger before anything happened! We were stoic when we had to break the news. Mary buried her little 9 year old face in a pillow. They were hurt, again. Before they were driven away I handed them their favorite blankets and hugged them goodbye. Nothing I could have said or done could ever be adequate. Then we went home and cried. We wanted to call and have them come back. I can't say it was the hardest thing we've ever done but close.
We have spent the remaining days going through the grief process. We are now in a time of reflecting. In a remarkable turn of events the kiddos were in a potential permanent placement within 2 weeks of leaving our home. A major answer to prayer. It is a more suitable situation where they are the only kiddos in the home. We are so thankful that they are safe and happy.
This life experience will unravel one day and maybe we'll understand all the reasons. Maybe we won't. Whatever. We are just happy to have loved and been loved by 3 remarkable children that once called us "mom" and "dad". God is faithful.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Wednesday, October 05, 2011
Only Hope
Last Christmas as we were beginning our adoption paperwork I bought an ornament to signify our journey. It simply said "HOPE".
We are in week 7 with our new family. Week 6 was hard. We found out that Trust-Based Parenting is very effective. When there is a trust relationship children open their hearts. Oh but what you may find could rock your world. Ours is rocked. When filling out all of those forms for our imaginary adoptive children we had pages of, "yes we can handle this" and "no we can't handle that". Unknowingly God has blessed us with something we know we can't handle.
I stand amazed that after 2 years in care including therapy and wonderful foster parents that I am the first one to know about these big hurts from inside a little heart. Our social worker asked us if this new information was a "deal breaker". The truth is we struggled several days with a myriad of fears and "what ifs". During which birth mom had a hearing and her parental rights were terminated. It was a long week.
"If I only hope when things look hopeful, isn't my hope cliche posturing? I'm only truly hoping when all is hopeless-otherwise it isn't hope". ~Ann Voskamp
I wish this post didn't seem like a downer. Really we are okay. Taking one day at a time and still amazingly moving in a generally forward direction. What I'm trying to say is parenting these little people with hurts the size of Texas is hard. It's a place of unknowns no matter what. It's just that known risk seems more tangible than unknown risk especially when it involves very real children with a very real life.
"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful." Hebrews 10:23
We are in week 7 with our new family. Week 6 was hard. We found out that Trust-Based Parenting is very effective. When there is a trust relationship children open their hearts. Oh but what you may find could rock your world. Ours is rocked. When filling out all of those forms for our imaginary adoptive children we had pages of, "yes we can handle this" and "no we can't handle that". Unknowingly God has blessed us with something we know we can't handle.
I stand amazed that after 2 years in care including therapy and wonderful foster parents that I am the first one to know about these big hurts from inside a little heart. Our social worker asked us if this new information was a "deal breaker". The truth is we struggled several days with a myriad of fears and "what ifs". During which birth mom had a hearing and her parental rights were terminated. It was a long week.
"If I only hope when things look hopeful, isn't my hope cliche posturing? I'm only truly hoping when all is hopeless-otherwise it isn't hope". ~Ann Voskamp
I wish this post didn't seem like a downer. Really we are okay. Taking one day at a time and still amazingly moving in a generally forward direction. What I'm trying to say is parenting these little people with hurts the size of Texas is hard. It's a place of unknowns no matter what. It's just that known risk seems more tangible than unknown risk especially when it involves very real children with a very real life.
"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful." Hebrews 10:23
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Square One
Last night I heard some very wonderful words from my 13 year old son.
"I feel safe here".
Now his feet are on the line and the starting gate is open. Just wait this kids is about to bloom!
"I feel safe here".
Now his feet are on the line and the starting gate is open. Just wait this kids is about to bloom!
Tuesday, September 06, 2011
Parenting 101
Blake, our oldest son, is 17 and a senior in high school. He taught us, almost, everything we know about parenting. He was a good, studious and very thorough teacher. When he was 3 he got into trouble one day so I sent him to his room for a time out. As he was walking away he said, "This is the best of my life and it's not good". Little did he know there would be many better days!
In the past 3 weeks Clyde and I have learned more about parenting that we have with our 4 bio children up to this point. Granted they gave us a very good template and filled our toolbox with many good tools. Still we have learned more than ever to lean on Jesus and trust him to give us wisdom when it seems to have slipped away. I will add that the prayers of our family and friends have been felt in a profound way and please continue to pray for us. We have had to essentially let go of a lot of our old ways and embrace lots of new techniques. Overall, life with 7 children is going very well.
For those that have, are in the process or are considering adoption here are some challenges and things that are working for us:
I would highly recommend reading, listening or watching anything from Dr. Karen Purvis. She is a Christian child psychologist and Director of The Institute of Child Development at TCU. Dr. Purvis is devoted to helping heal children, not "fix" behavior, using practical interventions. She believes in trust-based parenting with the primary goal being attachment between parent and child, followed by behavioral change. We are using many of her techniques and it works very effectively!
To foster trust-based parenting one we are staying very close to our children. It is a lot of work but after a short 3 weeks we are already seeing positive changes. It's getting easier to see potential for melt down and catching that behavior before it happens.
We are chewing a LOT of gum. Sweet foods, like gum and fruit, help children from hard places cope better when in an uncomfortable situation or transition.
We are grounding children to us. This means keeping them in the same room or area with us. Yes, hard work. But these kids have already lost everything, so "go to your room" says, "I don't care about you, go away". We keep them close and in our experience it takes only a short time before they are ready to rectify the situation.
Some things we haven't figured out: food. I thought that kids that had been hungry would just be happy to have food. Nope. There are many foods they have never eaten so it is automatic reject. We are learning to juggle having them try new foods and finding out of there is food trauma (some negative event related to certain foods) AND letting them choose an alternative. They are happiest with ramen noodles and cereal.
But I am not and will not run a short-order kitchen.
Another thing we haven't quite mastered is our little. She is in the 3rd grade and has many days of "tummy ache", she calls it "stummy ache". We have made her go to school anyway except one day last week. Took her to the Dr. and discovered her stummy ache was legit. Then today she had a horrible stummy ache. We are sure she is not sick, likely having some anxiety. I have a plan to try a reward system for the days she successfully attends school. Overboard? Maybe. But this is a little girl that has missed a whole, whole lot of school in the past, due to a life she could not control. So I'm thinking to put her in perceived control of going to school. I'll let you know if my idea works.
I want to end with a little story. Stories from my newly arrived kiddos are like little heart glimpses into a world I am just entering. Something I want to remember.
Clyde had to go to the pharmacy. He had Mary with him, our 9 yr old. Mary had some money from her allowance last week and she independently bought me chocolate soap while he was talking to the pharmacist.
So on the way home he was teasing her that if anyone said a naughty word they could use the chocolate soap to wash out their mouth (it was just a joke). Mary told Clyde that when she was younger she dropped something on her toe and said a bad word so she went to the bathroom and washed her own mouth out with soap! That's our little. A fun quirky girl with a big heart for Jesus.
We are so very blessed.
In the past 3 weeks Clyde and I have learned more about parenting that we have with our 4 bio children up to this point. Granted they gave us a very good template and filled our toolbox with many good tools. Still we have learned more than ever to lean on Jesus and trust him to give us wisdom when it seems to have slipped away. I will add that the prayers of our family and friends have been felt in a profound way and please continue to pray for us. We have had to essentially let go of a lot of our old ways and embrace lots of new techniques. Overall, life with 7 children is going very well.
For those that have, are in the process or are considering adoption here are some challenges and things that are working for us:
I would highly recommend reading, listening or watching anything from Dr. Karen Purvis. She is a Christian child psychologist and Director of The Institute of Child Development at TCU. Dr. Purvis is devoted to helping heal children, not "fix" behavior, using practical interventions. She believes in trust-based parenting with the primary goal being attachment between parent and child, followed by behavioral change. We are using many of her techniques and it works very effectively!
To foster trust-based parenting one we are staying very close to our children. It is a lot of work but after a short 3 weeks we are already seeing positive changes. It's getting easier to see potential for melt down and catching that behavior before it happens.
We are chewing a LOT of gum. Sweet foods, like gum and fruit, help children from hard places cope better when in an uncomfortable situation or transition.
We are grounding children to us. This means keeping them in the same room or area with us. Yes, hard work. But these kids have already lost everything, so "go to your room" says, "I don't care about you, go away". We keep them close and in our experience it takes only a short time before they are ready to rectify the situation.
Some things we haven't figured out: food. I thought that kids that had been hungry would just be happy to have food. Nope. There are many foods they have never eaten so it is automatic reject. We are learning to juggle having them try new foods and finding out of there is food trauma (some negative event related to certain foods) AND letting them choose an alternative. They are happiest with ramen noodles and cereal.
But I am not and will not run a short-order kitchen.
Another thing we haven't quite mastered is our little. She is in the 3rd grade and has many days of "tummy ache", she calls it "stummy ache". We have made her go to school anyway except one day last week. Took her to the Dr. and discovered her stummy ache was legit. Then today she had a horrible stummy ache. We are sure she is not sick, likely having some anxiety. I have a plan to try a reward system for the days she successfully attends school. Overboard? Maybe. But this is a little girl that has missed a whole, whole lot of school in the past, due to a life she could not control. So I'm thinking to put her in perceived control of going to school. I'll let you know if my idea works.
I want to end with a little story. Stories from my newly arrived kiddos are like little heart glimpses into a world I am just entering. Something I want to remember.
Clyde had to go to the pharmacy. He had Mary with him, our 9 yr old. Mary had some money from her allowance last week and she independently bought me chocolate soap while he was talking to the pharmacist.
So on the way home he was teasing her that if anyone said a naughty word they could use the chocolate soap to wash out their mouth (it was just a joke). Mary told Clyde that when she was younger she dropped something on her toe and said a bad word so she went to the bathroom and washed her own mouth out with soap! That's our little. A fun quirky girl with a big heart for Jesus.
We are so very blessed.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
First Week Home
We've been a family of 9 for almost a week. Our main work has been getting into a very good routine. It helped us that school started on Monday, ensuring a more strict schedule. The first few days I admit to feeling a lot like the disciples in Luke 7 after they unquestioningly got into the boat with Jesus and suffered a very scary storm. We've had moments of great exhiliration and others of, "Can we really do all of this forever and ever amen?" God has whispered into my heart in moments of doubt this week, simply, "Do you trust me?" And that's all I have. Trusting that the God of the universe cares about the simple matters of daily life.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
The Rest of the Way Home
We have had 4 extended visits with our 3 new kiddos. It has gone well with a few mini rough patches because after all they are children. My anxiety is much better. For me the hardest part was the worrying how I would get it all organized and done. I am a planner and when life isn't organized and neat I get nervous and worried, yes that.On Thursday the plan is for us to sign guardianship papers and then we head home for good. A family of 9.
I am learning to let some things go and wondering how my 4 birth children have survived me so far. Yesterday I went outside and got on the swings with a little 9 year old girl. Because when this is all said and done no one will remember late supper with peanut butter sandwiches in between or mismatched socks. What will be remembered is the day I sat on the swings then chased dragonflies and saw that smile. When God was forming this plan he knew that one didn't need the other more. We both desperately need each other.
I am learning to let some things go and wondering how my 4 birth children have survived me so far. Yesterday I went outside and got on the swings with a little 9 year old girl. Because when this is all said and done no one will remember late supper with peanut butter sandwiches in between or mismatched socks. What will be remembered is the day I sat on the swings then chased dragonflies and saw that smile. When God was forming this plan he knew that one didn't need the other more. We both desperately need each other.
Thursday, August 04, 2011
Today I Cling
Transparency. Today has been a tough emotional day for me. I am questioning if we heard correctly, as in "God did you REALLY tell us to do this? Did you say to to go? or is this something we are trying to do in our own flesh?" Because honestly I am seeing the time commitment as nigh to impossible. I have seen the giants and I want to run. Just being honest. But I was left with this on our thankful board after our overnight visit here at home:
Some things that we're thankful for: "clothes", "shoes", "water", "underwar", "my Lord". I am praying for the renewed strength to remember that God really does make the impossible possible and I have been graciously provided a visual. I am thankful for childlike faith.
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